My latest revelation

For those that know, my weekend wasn't the usual. It was actually, somewhat strange - but I guess all things happen for a reason, right? I took a good portion of it to just think and sort things out. I usually carry the appearance that says I have my shit together. Usually. While I'm sure I was able to present that way this weekend, in reality, I was having a personal crisis. For some reason, I felt like I had a lot of things to work out - mentally and emotionally. 

One of the best perks to being a teacher is having summers off. This is the second summer I have been able to take off. Last summer was amazing, last summer ended with thoughts of  "wow, if I can ever do this again... it will be great". This summer has been a little more trying.  This summer, I have zero responsibility, other then taking 9 credits of graduate work (come on May, 2009!). While this has given me something to do, the rest of my day is composed of down time. Downtime for someone like me, who spent the whole year massively busy, is turning out to be a very bad thing. 

Let me refresh you on my life last year: first year teacher, one massively hard Legal grad class in the Fall, two grad classes in the spring - one hard, one easy, first year teaching, training for the marathon, babysitting, working at the ice rink, first year teaching, having some sort of social life, making new friends (running group), fundraising, huge projects with the kids at school - oh, and did I mention first year teacher? I sat back today and wondered - how in the hell did I do it all? Three days a week, I would get in training runs. During the winter, I would be at the gym at 9pm at night, after class. Then, when spring came around, I woke up at 4:30am to train before work.  I raised over $5,000 without having to have a fundraiser at a restaurant. I passed my grad classes with A's and one A-. (Which I must add, I have yet to get anything lower then an A- and I only have two of those!) I was featured in St. Elizabeth Schools newsletter 4 times for achievements as a teacher, and even written about in larger organization newsletters. I have had a lot of good come from working so hard. 

So, I went from all of that to - having to be at class 2 days a week. That's it. 

The downtime was great, until I started getting into trouble. More mental trouble then anything. When I have too much downtime, I get on everyone's nerves, everyone gets on my nerves, hell - I get on my own nerves, I'm in everyone's business and they are in mine, I have too much time to think and ponder on all of my choices thus far in life and to be honest, it is causing problems. It's making me look too deep into things and wonder far too many questions. I'm tired of wondering. I want my busy lifestyle back where I have no additional time to think about other things. I also want all of my relationships to go back to the way they were - where everyday was happy and everything was great.